Archives for posts with tag: Bitches

Clearly it’s become cool to be a douche-bag, a choch, guido, roid monkey, bitch-ass-piece-of-shit-waste-of-human-life… or w/e else you wanna call it. One can usually find this type of crowd at the local clubs, shopping malls, gyms, the protein-shake section in Costco, Boy’s-Co, their mom’s house, your mom’s house, the bus, in their daddy’s BMW, etc… These roid-powered retards are the same kids that used to dress in all baby blue, baller caps and Sean John jeans that usually dropped bellow their ankles. The style and general stature has changed a bit so if your having a hard time assimilating then your in luck. Here is a detailed list of what to do, how to act, what to wear, and so on, which should get you started and on your way to being the sickest, most tanned and jacked brah to be hitting the nightlife scene.

Here is a list of stuff and shit in no particular order.

Save up for a couple months so you can afford like… 3 Christian Audigier T-Shirts… it’s important to make sure you get the most be-dazzled kind so you can sparkle in the club and look really masculine… plastic sparkly shit on your tight T-Shirt makes you a man. And ya… make sure the T-Shirts are tight… usually finding a size or 2 smaller does the trick and if you wanna take shit to the next level check out the kids section. If you have a couple 100 $’s left then I would recommend getting a pair of  True Religion jean’s… Monarchy, J & Company, Rock & Republic, Ed Hardy and Bauhouse are good options as well. Just like the T-Shirts make sure your jeans are tight enough to push your nutsack right up into your stomach.

Get a fake tan. Nothing is more gangster then rollin to the local tanning salon and picking out the most orange colored option. Do this several times a month until you look like a fucking carrot.

Spike your hair. Use a whole bottle of hair jell and just spike that shit. A good chochy hair-doo is like a porcupine… no one wants to fuck with a porcupine. Headbutting should inflict serious damage to an opponent.

Treat women like you would treat a peace of meat at the supermarket… which is on sale because it is probably filled with tapeworms.

If your dad has a sick car then do all it takes to convince him to lend it to you on Friday nights. If your dad is as broke-ass as you are then take the bus… just sit there all bad-ass looking… make sure all the old ladies on the bus know you own this fucking bus.

When you dance you need to go fucking ape-shit and beat the beat… basically just use the hand that you normally use to jack off with and pretend there is a 8 ft tall black guy behind you and just jerk that shit.

Have two cell-phones. When you text or talk while switching between phones it looks like your a big-fucking-deal.

Wear one of those Gucci over-the-shoulder fanny-pack things… they are boss. Usually you can put so much shit in them like your wallet and a condom which you have been carrying around for over a year because no girl has yet realized how fuckin sick you are and volunteered to fuck you… fuckin skanks.

Get inked. You have to. Get it all over your body… at once… because your only truly gangster when you end up in the ER puking your brains out because you have ink poisoning. What would be really fucking sweet is like getting a tan and muscle definition tattooed onto you so that it looks like your tanned and jacked but in reality its just one whole-body tat. That would be fucking extreme.

Wear nike shox because they go well with track suits, designer jeans and basketball shorts.

Rock sick biker shades at all times… all the fucking time… even when it’s pitch black outside. Fake versace’s will do the trick.

Take roids because they fuckin get you crazy jacked. Working out is for lil bitches who have nothing better to do with their lives. Being jacked gets you mad bitches & keeps all the goofs in check. Even better, if your connected & still have money left over get a gun. You can’t get harder then that. You never know when you will wanna use it…like if some grandma honks at you just fucking point your gun at her. Haters gotta know whats up!

Lastly be fucking as obnoxious as possible. Make sure everyone knows how fucking sick you are at any time… like when your mom makes you go to sunday mass or some heaty location like that.

Choches are such fags… fuckung die you meat-headed-fucks!

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A couple of friends have asked me recently for girl advice. Advice as in “how do I find the right girl?” Well my friends… there is no right girl… that actually exists anyway… but you can get pretty damn close if you’re lucky & patient but mostly lucky & not thinking with your dick. Girls are becoming smarter, more cunning & more independent at an alarming rate… this is bad news boys! These power whores are a mans worst enemy. It’s been said that the new ‘playa’ is the power chick. They prey on guys like it’s a sport… since when did we become fair game… how the fuck did that happen? Bottom line is… when you see a power chick… RUN! … or just tell her to fuck off… nithing is more manly then telling some hot bitch to get the fuck out if your face… seriously… try it! Let’s talk about what to look for/stay away from. I came up with a checklist that outlines the process of finding a decent girl in todays fucked up society.

– She can’t think she’s too hot. Girls who think/know how hot they are will never take you seriously & will always think they can do better.

– She can’t club. Not even once, ever, hell fucking no! You go clubbing for a couple reasons & none of those include clean fun/entertainment. Girls that want to club are a waste of time.

– Should rarely, if at all, use Facebook &/or ither social media. Facebook/twitter whores are… well…. whores. Any kind if whore belongs on the corner getting pimp slapped for being such a whore. Girls who use social media too frequently are seeking attention & it’s not going to be from you.

– Too many tattoos. Bitches who have too many tat’s are not only hideous but they are seeking something that they aren’t even sure of themselves. Fuck that.

– The cute girl in school who wasn’t popular but was kind of a geek is your new target. These girls are wife material. ‘Nuff said.

– Likes to cook. It seems cliche to say this but sooo many girls wont lift a finger to cook anymore. They expect the guy to handle the cooking now-a-days. Fuck off Miss. Independent!! Cooking together is one of the best joys in a relationship.

– History if cheating. Unless she has a damn good reason for cheating in the past stay the fuck away.

– Girls who like money too much. They wont like you… just your money. & when you run out she says bye.

– Girls who like sex too much. It’s fucking annoying. Bitch I’m tired & maybe I actually want to spend some time with you outside of the bedroom. Besides… horny girls are more likely to cheat.

– Girls who socialize too much. They will never let you have your full say in anything & it’s fucking a slap in dick watching your girl chat with other guys all the time.

– Jersey Shore type girls. Eeewww & useless & see clubbing.

– Girls who like doing normal things like cooking, going for a walk, reading, watching the sun set, spending time with family, etc… These are golden…but rare. When you do find one..hold on!!!

When I first created this Blog, about a year ago, I did it mainly out of boredom and just wanting a place to rant about random shit that makes no sense and be able to come back two months later and re-read all the bullshit I posted and laugh, or cry, or finally realize that I’m a huge asshole that needs to cheer up and do something more productive with my life… whatever. Any way… at first I didn’t expect to have any views what so ever because I, A) didn’t give a shit, B) because I didn’t feel like actually taking the effort to promote this Blog & C) because this Blog doesn’t really revolve around one topic that would interest enough people to actually search for or continue visiting this Blog.

To my surprise I have been gaining the amount of views per day and now I see that many people are actually reading this gayness.

I just want to take this opportunity to say thank you for reading and/or re-visiting my Blog. There are probably 100,000,000,000,000,000,987,348,690 better ways to spend your time like lighting your penis on fire while beer-bonging Drain-O.

I guess I will continue to write whatever the fuck comes to my mind 🙂