Archives for posts with tag: Fuck

Clearly it’s become cool to be a douche-bag, a choch, guido, roid monkey, bitch-ass-piece-of-shit-waste-of-human-life… or w/e else you wanna call it. One can usually find this type of crowd at the local clubs, shopping malls, gyms, the protein-shake section in Costco, Boy’s-Co, their mom’s house, your mom’s house, the bus, in their daddy’s BMW, etc… These roid-powered retards are the same kids that used to dress in all baby blue, baller caps and Sean John jeans that usually dropped bellow their ankles. The style and general stature has changed a bit so if your having a hard time assimilating then your in luck. Here is a detailed list of what to do, how to act, what to wear, and so on, which should get you started and on your way to being the sickest, most tanned and jacked brah to be hitting the nightlife scene.

Here is a list of stuff and shit in no particular order.

Save up for a couple months so you can afford like… 3 Christian Audigier T-Shirts… it’s important to make sure you get the most be-dazzled kind so you can sparkle in the club and look really masculine… plastic sparkly shit on your tight T-Shirt makes you a man. And ya… make sure the T-Shirts are tight… usually finding a size or 2 smaller does the trick and if you wanna take shit to the next level check out the kids section. If you have a couple 100 $’s left then I would recommend getting a pair of  True Religion jean’s… Monarchy, J & Company, Rock & Republic, Ed Hardy and Bauhouse are good options as well. Just like the T-Shirts make sure your jeans are tight enough to push your nutsack right up into your stomach.

Get a fake tan. Nothing is more gangster then rollin to the local tanning salon and picking out the most orange colored option. Do this several times a month until you look like a fucking carrot.

Spike your hair. Use a whole bottle of hair jell and just spike that shit. A good chochy hair-doo is like a porcupine… no one wants to fuck with a porcupine. Headbutting should inflict serious damage to an opponent.

Treat women like you would treat a peace of meat at the supermarket… which is on sale because it is probably filled with tapeworms.

If your dad has a sick car then do all it takes to convince him to lend it to you on Friday nights. If your dad is as broke-ass as you are then take the bus… just sit there all bad-ass looking… make sure all the old ladies on the bus know you own this fucking bus.

When you dance you need to go fucking ape-shit and beat the beat… basically just use the hand that you normally use to jack off with and pretend there is a 8 ft tall black guy behind you and just jerk that shit.

Have two cell-phones. When you text or talk while switching between phones it looks like your a big-fucking-deal.

Wear one of those Gucci over-the-shoulder fanny-pack things… they are boss. Usually you can put so much shit in them like your wallet and a condom which you have been carrying around for over a year because no girl has yet realized how fuckin sick you are and volunteered to fuck you… fuckin skanks.

Get inked. You have to. Get it all over your body… at once… because your only truly gangster when you end up in the ER puking your brains out because you have ink poisoning. What would be really fucking sweet is like getting a tan and muscle definition tattooed onto you so that it looks like your tanned and jacked but in reality its just one whole-body tat. That would be fucking extreme.

Wear nike shox because they go well with track suits, designer jeans and basketball shorts.

Rock sick biker shades at all times… all the fucking time… even when it’s pitch black outside. Fake versace’s will do the trick.

Take roids because they fuckin get you crazy jacked. Working out is for lil bitches who have nothing better to do with their lives. Being jacked gets you mad bitches & keeps all the goofs in check. Even better, if your connected & still have money left over get a gun. You can’t get harder then that. You never know when you will wanna use it…like if some grandma honks at you just fucking point your gun at her. Haters gotta know whats up!

Lastly be fucking as obnoxious as possible. Make sure everyone knows how fucking sick you are at any time… like when your mom makes you go to sunday mass or some heaty location like that.

Choches are such fags… fuckung die you meat-headed-fucks!

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A couple of friends have asked me recently for girl advice. Advice as in “how do I find the right girl?” Well my friends… there is no right girl… that actually exists anyway… but you can get pretty damn close if you’re lucky & patient but mostly lucky & not thinking with your dick. Girls are becoming smarter, more cunning & more independent at an alarming rate… this is bad news boys! These power whores are a mans worst enemy. It’s been said that the new ‘playa’ is the power chick. They prey on guys like it’s a sport… since when did we become fair game… how the fuck did that happen? Bottom line is… when you see a power chick… RUN! … or just tell her to fuck off… nithing is more manly then telling some hot bitch to get the fuck out if your face… seriously… try it! Let’s talk about what to look for/stay away from. I came up with a checklist that outlines the process of finding a decent girl in todays fucked up society.

– She can’t think she’s too hot. Girls who think/know how hot they are will never take you seriously & will always think they can do better.

– She can’t club. Not even once, ever, hell fucking no! You go clubbing for a couple reasons & none of those include clean fun/entertainment. Girls that want to club are a waste of time.

– Should rarely, if at all, use Facebook &/or ither social media. Facebook/twitter whores are… well…. whores. Any kind if whore belongs on the corner getting pimp slapped for being such a whore. Girls who use social media too frequently are seeking attention & it’s not going to be from you.

– Too many tattoos. Bitches who have too many tat’s are not only hideous but they are seeking something that they aren’t even sure of themselves. Fuck that.

– The cute girl in school who wasn’t popular but was kind of a geek is your new target. These girls are wife material. ‘Nuff said.

– Likes to cook. It seems cliche to say this but sooo many girls wont lift a finger to cook anymore. They expect the guy to handle the cooking now-a-days. Fuck off Miss. Independent!! Cooking together is one of the best joys in a relationship.

– History if cheating. Unless she has a damn good reason for cheating in the past stay the fuck away.

– Girls who like money too much. They wont like you… just your money. & when you run out she says bye.

– Girls who like sex too much. It’s fucking annoying. Bitch I’m tired & maybe I actually want to spend some time with you outside of the bedroom. Besides… horny girls are more likely to cheat.

– Girls who socialize too much. They will never let you have your full say in anything & it’s fucking a slap in dick watching your girl chat with other guys all the time.

– Jersey Shore type girls. Eeewww & useless & see clubbing.

– Girls who like doing normal things like cooking, going for a walk, reading, watching the sun set, spending time with family, etc… These are golden…but rare. When you do find one..hold on!!!

Seriously… living in Shitcouver you get accustomed to seeing LG’s & cougars wearing yoga pants paired with a pair of Uggs that are usually warped out of shape & are muddy from all the fucking rain we get. Fine. Yea your a dumb bitch but just how dumb are you? Let’s break it down: Girls wear yoga pants because it’s an effortless way to make their asses look tasty… which is fair enough but it becomes pretty lame when every girl is doing it. Yoga pants make you look fuckable but they also make you look like a lazy bitch who has zero fashion sense & just wants a dick up the ass. I thought girls were supposed to be creative… wear a nice skirt or dress or some tasteful jeans. Those will do the trick just as well… unless walking around looking like a stupid fucktoy is your thing. It bothers me even more when women over the age of 35 wear lululemons. You’re not 16 anymore & you sure as hell don’t do yoga so wtf are you trying to pull?? Stop trying to be cool like your slut daughter thinks she is… go wear clothing that is appropriate for your age. If you are going to be a senseless LG in your lululemons while doing things/being in places where those pants are just not acceptable please don’t tuck them into your dirty, shape less Uggs. Guys hate that btw… the boner we get from seeing ur bulging ass withers quickly at the sight of Uggs.

Most of the world is pretty fucked up but most of the world is also on the same page with regards of wanting to take the first hipster in sight and throw him/her into a cardboard compactor. Not to be harsh or anything but Hipsters are so.fucking.annoying!! Even more annoying then typing.with.periods.instead.of.spaces.to.emphasize.how.epic.the.situation.is. Whats the point of being hipster? Like seriously? I understand the point of being a skater, prep, nerd, goth, punk, emo, thug, thug-wanna-be, guido, hip-hop, urban, kinda-hip-hop-&-urban-but-preppy-at-the-same-time. There are tons of styles that are either awesome or stupid but still have some point behind it. Even emos have some legitimization. Emo guys for instance… sure they look pretty gay and pinner and stuff and whatever but they get emo girls… and just girls in general… hot girls secretly love emo guys… which pisses me off but lucky them I guess. But emo girls… damn!! Im not talking about the nasty, fat whores that look like trolls…

 (No I’m not gonna “fuck off”… I’m gonna stand there and stare at how fucking fat and disgusting you are and then make sure to tell all my friends about the time I saw your fat, ugly ass at wallmart. Why would you even wear a top like that? Why would you be that fat? Why would you be so fucking hideous? What a puke-indusing way to get attention).

… but I’m talking about those super cute, innocent-but-slutty-looking-at-the-same-time girls with the cute bangs and poofy hair.

(If you don’t feel like getting with this chick’s under-age ass then there is seriously something wrong with you)

So anyway… hipsters suck. Period! I hate those eco-friendly hipsters the most… the ones that wear all earth tones and hiking boots. Girls I know, who dress like that, look like shit. An outfit would basically be a loose-fitted beany, (hung on the head like an old ballsack), some ugly brown, greenish, blah scarf, (that was probably found moulding away in a dumpster outside sally-an’s), some green or brown knit dress, a second-hand leather jacket, wool tights, thick wool socks and fucking hiking boots. Oh we can’t forget the huge glasses that magnify the fuck out of their eyes. URGH!! Why would you purposely try to make yourself look like some nasty old lady that never got laid. It’s beyond me. And when you call a hipster a “hipster” he/she will usually get pissed and state in protest, “I’m not a hipster… dude, leave me alone”……

“Uh yea…”dude”… you are a fucking hipster… why would I call you one if you’re not… go get high and down some PBR you dirty loser… and blast some shitty fucking music like Mother-Mother… and just wait… someone will probably shoot you eventually.”

In conclusion hipsters are pointless… the girls are ugly, their music has no balls, they dress like shit, and they do weird things like sit in circles on the sidewalk and jerk each other off. It’s not the 60’s any more. Stop trying to be hippie. Die. Thank you!

Hey everyone! It has been a long time since I posted any random and useless thoughts on this blog and I know you all miss it… right??? No?! Yea I don’t blame you. Summer has just sucked way to much to even motivate myself to express how much it sucked on this blog. First of all it wasnt even a fucking summer… it was cold as shit, rainy, gay, and I wanted to find mother nature and kick her in the box. It started getting warm just when all the kids had to go back to school… hahaha suckers! The real reason why summer sucked is because I STILL have not found a fucking job in the design industry… I worked as a landscaper instead. No offence to landscaping but I have a fucking degree… landscapers are usually fucking retards who failed highschool because they liked to wear baggy clothes and get high during class time. I worked my ass off in school just so I could avoid this situation… yet it found me anyway. Fuck you life! What was the point of trying hard? Last time I checked the reason you go to University is so you can fuck hot bitches, get smashed, educate yourself and have a guaranteed position waiting for you once your done… why else would I put all that effort and money into the piece of shit post secondary institution. The Dean is prolly laughing his fucking ass off! Snatching all my money and sending me out on my ass 5 years later with no nothing. I know complaining is no use but apparently sending my resume & portfolio to countless companies over the last 6 months wasnt any use either. Am I cursed or something? Has my life destiny been preprogrammed to be a garbage man after all? I’d rather puke on my balls and smash my face into the mirror untill… untill… I don’t even know any more. I’m rocking to heavy metal now because it takes away my anger… or makes me more angry… I donno. Maybe I should just go join the Forces and blow shit up with heavy weapons.

About two years ago I went to my girlfriends, (at the time), house for a Halloween party. I was there early to help set-up, have lunch, fuck, pretend to help set-up, fuck some more and then get my drink on. Once all her gay-ass loser friends came over the party was on… even though it could barely be defined as a party because her friends were seriously so fucking gay. We played this drinking game called “I never”… basically everyone forms a circle and has their drinks ready. When it’s your turn to speak you have to say “I never” followed by something sexual, ridiculous, gross, awesome, etc… “I never broke into a barn at 3 am, while high on Meth, and fucked a horse”, would be a good example of what can be said. Anyone in the circle who has actually done what the person said has to have a drink… then it’s the next persons turn & so on & so forth.

Any way… I ended up taking lots of drinks because everything anyone said they never did was something I deff’s did… I guess I’m fucking nasty that way. It didn’t take too long before I was hammered out of my mind and really bored at the same time. I needed an escape! Suddenly it came to me… I need to take a shit! Awesome… I’ll just slip into the bathroom and drop a champion ‘cuz why not.

So this just had to be one of those shits that never end… just keep coming & coming & coming in one continuous log. After what felt like hours of pain, I was done! I then scoped what the fuck just got dropped into the toilet. Being drunk & all I didn’t think that it would be any issue flushing this bad boy… so I flushed… then came the horror. The water swirled, the log shifted a bit… and then stopped. FUCK! I was freaking out… imagine the situation… I am dating this dumb bitch who likes to make a big deal out of everything and to make matters worse she goes to my school. Her roommate also goes to my school. A bunch of people are over as well. I started searching the washroom for something I could use as a plunger incase. I gave it another go. FLUSH!…. Nothing, nothing….noooothing….finally, seconds before the flush cycle finishes, the shit goes down. Phew! What a relief. I made sure to wash my hands and go get more crunk.

I still try to imagine what would have happened if it never flushed and just flooded all over her washroom during a Halloween party. I’d come out all drunk and shit, “excuse me guys but I have a lil’ problem in here… I took a shit and it wont flush…. yeaaaaaa. Can one of you girls help?”

Shudders*

So just remember… take a shit before you go to your girlfriends house!

… I have no idea why this memory came up… all I know is that I’m so glad I’m not dating that bitch any more!!!

Seriously! No one gives a fuck! As in no one gives a fuck about you… or me… or your mom… or even their own mom. While I get older I realize more and more that no one cares about other people. I mean I definitely don’t care about other people but I was hoping that I was just one of a few… but no… pretty much everyone is a huge fucking asshole these days. Don’t believe me? Just think of everyday shit… like walking down the street for instance… everyone is on their own mission, rocking out to their iPods, texting, looking at the ground… doing everything they can to avoid any contact with the people who are walking beside/around them. This state-of-mind escalates once trouble, sorrow, confusion, danger, explosions, guns, panic, etc… start happening. Going back to the “walking-down-the-street-scenario. Say everyone is waiting for the light to turn green so they can walk across the street and once it does turn green some older lady trips on the curb and falls. Will anyone help her? Most likely not… maybe that one person who is at the back of the pack and realizes how fucking retarded and douche-bag-ish he will look to everyone who is watching from afar if he doesn’t stop and help. In the meantime… everyone just pretends nothing happened, or they didn’t see, and just walks around the poor woman and continues on.

I once read this article in the news paper which said some dude got stabbed on the street, in broad daylight, and no one helped because no one wanted to be on involved. Obviously not! No one has time to help out some dude who is bleeding to death ‘cuz there is way more important shit to do like go to Starbucks and get fat off of Venti Frappachinos while updating your twitter account about how you just walked past some dude with an epic-dope-stab wound but was too much of a bitch-ass to stop and help.

You could probably break into someones car in a crowded parking lot, alarm blaring an’ shit, and no one would do anything. I’m not sure where this mentality came from… I guess we are all so focused on our own goals… or maybe the world is just too competitive right now that we subconsciously try to always be one step ahead at work, school and even when someone is lying on the side-walk in a pool of blood dying. “Hahaha your fucking dying bitch… I’m not… I’m a step ahead of you because I’m still fucking alive… I’m just gonna walk past you with my head up my ass and pretend that I didn’t even notice you lying there… even though I just splish-splashed through a puddle of your blood.”

Like I said… I don’t give a fuck either… if someone was spray painting a building as I walk-by I wouldn’t care because graffiti is the fucking jam but if I saw someone in legit trouble I’d help for sure… I think… unless it was someone I hate… then I’d just pee on them.